Thursday, June 6, 2013

A Twilight Marathon Commentary, Part 1

I wanna watch a movie, and I really love to talk during the movie. Even when I'm not talking, I'm thinking constantly, just little random thoughts that are sometimes normal, sometimes silly, sometimes outright snarky. But in the interest of "hanging out" with my fans and being an accessible, friendly, honest/open kind of person, let's watch a movie.

Let's watch Twilight.

* before you criticize *
Yes, I've fallen utterly victim to the Twilight craze. I didn't think it would happen, didn't think it could happen.
I rolled my eyes just like everyone else the first time Edward sparkled.

* but still *

I love them. And now that they are all finally in my possession, I'm going to watch them all. And I've decided to share it with you, to let you inside my head while I watch them , including the new one that I still haven't seen yet. So if you were here watching with me, this is the crap I'd be muttering during the movie. Aren't you glad you're not here?


~~*~~ TWILIGHT ~~*~~

First up, how the heck do you see your daughter for the first time in forever, and all you have to say is "your hair's longer?" Which is made even worse when she turns and is like, "I cut it since you saw me." Oh my goodness, really?? Look at your daughter more often dude. It's Phoenix, man, it's not like she lives in Africa. Take a drive occasionally, jeez.

Taylor Lautner as Jacob ... I saw Taylor in Sharkboy & Lavagirl, when he was an intense-looking and certainly not "cute" little boy. He just had too much angle in his face, too much seriousness, too much ... something. My oldest daughter thought he was beautiful though. She still does. In this movie, she loves him but I still think he's not that cute. The long hair makes him perfect for the whole werewolf thing, because his strong features, that "something" about his nose, and the long hair all team up to make him look downright doggy. No thanks.

Eric? Where the heck is that kid's mom? And honestly, I apologize in advance to anyone reading this who is currently wearing (or allowing their son to wear) that sloppy-on-purpose, never-had-a-real-haircut kind of haircut. Seriously? What is the point, boys? You spend all your time trying to prove how manly you are, but you walk around hiding under a girly-man cap of hair. What's next, Adam Lambert's guy-liner?

Oh my God, the lunch scene. What the heck? Tyler comes up and just kisses Bella, dumps the other guy (Mike?) out of his seat, and takes off running? Oh please. It's not like she's a supermodel. Just a new girl. Dude, get you hormones checked, something's off. Because I don't know about Forks, but in my town, randomly kissing strangers could be construed as a crime. Seld-control, dude. Self-control.

"... speedo padding on the swim team ..."
Freaking Awesome Line. Love It.

First sight of the Cullens?
Rosalie? Bitch. Emmett? Jerk. Alice? Dancer? Jasper. Oh dear God, yum. And Edward. Confident, curious. Big pretty eyes, decent little cocky grin. Still ends up looking like he doesn't feel good. Poor guy.

And oh my gosh, Bella smelling herself in class?? Priceless. If ever there was a girl more needlessly in tune with the feelings of a guy she doesn't know. Cute how she looked all hurt and shocked when she found him trying to get out of the class though. I was like, "woah, a facial expression!"

How the heck did Bella's mom get to keep custody of her? She can't be trusted to keep her cell phone safe! I wouldn't let that woman babysit a fern, are you kidding?? No wonder Bella's so self-sufficient.

Emmett rides to school standing up in the back of his ridiculously macho jock-jeep. Like a dog who needs to feel the breeze flapping his ears. Oh please. Idiot. If you're trying to hide the fact that you're invincible, you probably shouldn't be standing up in a moving vehicle. Idiot.

Hahahaha, Bella fell on her ass!

Jesus, Lord. "You're not in Phoenix anymore, Bells." Where the hell is she then? Please, Charlie, please PLEASE say "Oz." I'm begging.

Edward's first words. The smooth musical sound and feel of the "hello." The apology, and the intro. Yeah, vampire powers? Maybe, because if I were her, I'd have had to fight the urge to lean in. Hmm.

And yet she's accusatory. "You were gone." Like she's his wife and he didn't show up for dinner. Or his mommy, maybe. I like their first conversation though, how curious he is about her. It may only be because his inability to read her is driving him mad, but I like it. Too few men are curious about their women these days, and that makes him look sweet and caring and of course, endearing. Until he stalks off after she asks about his eyes, which makes him look like a jackass.

Until he saves her from Tyler's van, with his bare hands, which makes him look like a sexy superhero. The panic in his face when he realizes what he's done makes it even better. You can just read the "Oh shit!" in his expression, and the wide eyes? Love it!

One of my favorite parts of the movie is when Edward tries to convince Bella that he was standing with her when Tyler almost hit her. The fury in her face is amazing, and his eyes, big and angry. The whole bad-boy vibe? He's got it down, even if he is kinda scrawny.

Why is she sleeping with her hair in a ponytail?? Doesn't she know how bad that can damage her hair??

Mike. All nervous and stuttering and barely able to do more than squeak when he asks Bella out?? If I were her, I'd likely have gone just because it's so cute when a guy likes a girl that much. Then again, that Jessica chick might've slit Bella's throat. If Jessica were a dog in this movie, she'd be pissing all over Mike's leg in every scene to "mark" him.

How has no one noticed how white Edward is??

Seriously, Eric, with the worm? What are you, six? These are supposed to be high school kids, and the boys are laughing at worms? I know it's a small town and all, but when do they move on from worms? When they're thirty-four?

Hahaha! "Your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash." Love it!!

I love how he grins when she's like, "let's hang out." I mean, as a vampire, he probably doesn't get a lot of time to just "hang out" like regular guys, and with all his life experience, he finds her cute. I like that. Even if he does end up sparkling. Besides, what's wrong with sparkle? You can just pretend he's a giant diamond. With mood swings.

Omg, Bella, pull your damn hat down over your forehead!! When it's all the way up to your hairline, it makes your forehead look like a damn runway strip!! Sorry, but sweetheart, doesn't your house have mirrors??

Love the whole Native American theme. With the little few drops of Native American blood running through me, I love EVERYTHING that feels Native American, even if it's made up. I love the whole story thing with Jacob telling Bella about his heritage.

Redhead vampire chick? Scary bitch. Laurent? Interesting look, awesome name.
James? Yum. Sorry, I can't help myself.

Jessica choosing her prom dress because "it makes my boobs look good."
Oh please, I'm pretty sure she'd be fully confident of her immense beauty and charm no matter what she wears because she's obviously got an inflated ego. You know, except for when she's lifting her leg to pee on poor Mike because she's insecure.

Ooooh, creepy guys after Bella. Someone's gonna get a LOT of boyfriends tonight.
Ooops, here comes Edward, who somehow knows where she is and what's going on and how to get to her at EXACTLY that moment. "Get in the car," he says. And she does. Yeah, because you showing up out of nowhere like that isn't weird. Not at all.

Jessica and Angela. Pissed because Bella missed dinner. Edward steps up, and they are suddenly all giggles and cuteness and whatnot. Mmhmm, vampire powers. I wish I had those. Maybe I should write a vampire book one day, so that I can play with what it would be like. Except that a million other vampire authors would be all like, "OMG, I wrote that first."
Mmhmm, because that's so original.
And then everyone's pissed about Twilight because
Stephanie Meyer tried something NEW.

I love Edward demonstrating his mind-reading gift. As if it's not even a gift, as if he's bored with it. It's commonplace for him, nothing special at all. And I love, too, how intrigued he is with Bella, how fascinated he is by her because he can't get inside her head. I love how much he wants inside her head, how much he just wants to be near her.

Haha, "Your hand is so cold."
Um, no. Let me the hell out of this car, Mr. Freeze.

She just realized, and you can see in her eyes, in the way her mouth falls open, you can just see it.
"Holy shit, you have GOT to be kidding."
And then she sits up online all night researching vampires as if she'd never heard of one before.
Mmhmm. That's realistic.

Oh my gosh, I love it. "How old are you?"
"How long have you been seventeen?"
"A while."

Why does he force her to say vampire? Like it's a dirty word and they're both four years old on the playground and he's trying to bully her into saying "the s-word." What a naughty boy. Hauling her up on his shoulders like she was nothing was pretty neat though.
Gonna make for some incredibly hot against-the-wall-sex someday.

Oooooh, SPARKLE!!
His self-disgust is endearing, his personal struggle with his own nature, his belief in himself as evil and his inner torture over it are so sweet, and just lovable. I could have done without the ridiculous show of his prowess though. How very "manly" of him to show her how very powerful he is, as if she couldn't imagine.

"My own personal brand of heroin."
I had someone in my life like that, once.
My own personal brand of heroin.
Nearly killed me.
Just say no, people. Just say no.

"You don't know how long I've waited for you."
Oh my gosh, awwww!! That was almost sweet enough to help me ignore the lame-ass lion/lamb thing.

When they have that scene where they lay together in the field, why is Bella posed as if she just fell from the top of a 100-story building? All bent and broken and seriously uncomfortable?? Uh, no.

Bella and Edward get to school and he is so INTO the bad-boy thing.
You know, since he's "going to hell." Lol.

I find it funny how Edward is talking about how miserable it is to not be able to kill her and drain her of life, and she's looking at him with this anguished face, like, "Oh my gosh, that must be just so TERRIBLE for you. Oh, poor Edward. So sad for you, darling."

Fixing the truck??? With just a little nonchalant pop?? Sexy. Hmmm.

Jacob's embarrassment when his dad busts him on wanting to see Bella? Perfect. Love it!

Wow, this commentary is getting pretty long ... I wonder if anyone will have the patience to make it to the end. Hmm.

If you, readers, make it to the end of this, leave a comment. I'm curious. Like Edward. But, you know, I can't read your minds, so you'll have to share your thoughts.

Wow, Rosalie really is a bitch, huh? The Cullens are all cooking and trying to be welcoming and sweet and all. And Rosalie. Tantrum like a toddler. In hooker heels. Mmhmm.
What scares her so much about Bella?
Like, what, she's scared of a little human boogeyman? Jeez.

Is it just me, or is Alice kinda ... like a ... fairy?
Like if there was a live-action Tinkerbell movie,
Alice would be just right for one of the fairies.

"It's okay Jasper. You won't hurt her."
Oh for goodness sake. Like he's a dog. She should just pat him on the head and get him a bone.
He sure is a delicious dog, though, huh? All tortured and whatnot.
Ya just wanna rub his ... brow ... till he feels better.

Haha, he pulls her in to dance with him, and I guess she should be thinking awkward teenage girl thoughts, or maybe, "kiss me, kiss me," but I'm dirty, so I hear her thinking, "Oh God, don't eat me. Wait, eat me, eat me!!" Hahaha. Shame on me. And yet I can't say the "c-word."
Don't pretend you don't know which one. And yes, I know there are two of them.
I can't say either of them.

Wow he plays the piano beautifully.

Mike, seriously calling Bella out about being with Edward? "He looks at you like you're something to eat."
Oh really, Mike? Because it's not like you were all over her as soon as she moved to town huh? Sorry sport, go hook up with Jessica; she's falling over herself to get some anyway.

"Looks like the Newton boy's got a big smile for ya."
Yeah, Charlie, that's what Mike wants to give your daughter. A "smile." Mmhmm.

Omg, Bella's dad's mustache. Crazy. It's like, "Hello, I mustache you a question."

Yeah, right, Edward. It's real fascinating to watch a girl sleep. Because snoring and drooling?
Total sex appeal. Mmhmm.

But that first kiss? Oh. My. Dear. God. Slow like that? Totally passion-building. It's sexy to watch them anticipate it, and then it happens and they lose it a little, so attracted to each other. I love it. It's sad, how tortured he looks though, afterward, knowing how frail she is as a human and how careful he has to be with her in spite of what they're feeling. That must be awful for him. Almost as bad as not being able to kill her, I'd say.

Haha, her dad cleaning his shotgun before he meets Edward?? Love! That's the sort of thing my dad would've done. In another time ... before ... sigh.

Okay, back to the movie.

Oh my gosh, Rosalie smiled!!! The ice bitch can smile?!?

Mmm, Jasper, all with the spinning of the bat and stuff. Mmmm.

Can you tell which Cullen is my favorite??
I bet you can't.
Because I hide it well. Haha.

"My monkey-man."
Yeah, because apes are so sexy. Real sexy.
I can't tell you how my blood runs when I see a monkey.
Especially the ones with rainbow colored asses.

Mmm, James. He almost distracts from how perfectly protective Edward and the Cullens are of Bella. You know, except for Rosalie, the ice bitch. So ... in the little mini-fight scene where James first scents Bella's blood, why is Rosalie in the front of the defensive Cullen crowd? Pretty sure she'd be the first one to toss poor Bella over the line, so what's up with that protective thing?

I hate the fake fight scene. I hated seeing Bella and Edward break up. Even knowing it was fake, I hated it. And I hated watching her say cruel and hurtful things to her father. Sometimes we have to, we say things to people that maybe we don't mean, just to protect the people that we love. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant to see. Or participate in. I've been there.

And Charlie's breakdown? Incredibly moving. He's this steadfast guy all through the movie, quiet. He doesn't say much, and he's just that dad who's there. Not always so active, but just there. And then she's leaving and he's all but begging her to stay, to not walk away from him, and not leave him. I love that he was completely without pride in that moment, not just a father, but a person who loved another person and wanted that to be known. I ache for him, sitting there and thinking that he's somehow driven his daughter away. Some fathers do, but he didn't, and it's sad for him to have to think that he did.

I *heart* Alice, her selfless willingness to protect Bella, simply for the love of Edward as her brother. On the other hand, Rosalie. Bitch.

I love watching Jasper reach for Alice while he drove, too. Knowing someone is there isn't anything like having that inherent need to touch them. Not in a sexual way, but just in a way that you need to feel them close to you, that you need that sense of physical contact. And his hair, I just can't get over his hair. Mmmm.

You know, throughout this entire movie, I can't decide if I think Bella is courageous or stupid. The whole hooking up with a vampire thing? Maybe romantic, also pretty stupid. When a guy says, "I want to kill you," you usually don't invite him into your house. Or your panties. Then again, going to the ballet studio alone, knowing what was waiting for her? So damn brave, so damn courageous. How many people would do that, for real? How many people would walk right into the arms of someone hunting to kill them, for the sake of someone else? And yet, still. Stupid.

There is NOTHING sexier than a man bent on protecting his own, his love. His family.

And Alice. I just love Alice. She may be fairy-like in her delicacy, but she's amazing in her ability to accept and love Bella immediately, just because she's there, just because of Edward.

And there he is, right beside her in the hospital. Charming and romantic, and just ... there.

Oh my gosh, Bella's mom's phone is so old! Woah!

Okay, when Edward tries to send Bella to live with her mom, to protect her from his kind of existence, she is so obnoxious. Oh my gosh, y'all, she totally got on with the stuttering and crap. Entirely obnoxious.

Hahah, Edward and Charlie at the table together. Is it just me, or does Edward look like he's got a yardstick up his ass? And Charlie? What a dad. Totally hating Edward for what happened to Bella, but patiently accepting and respectful, not just of Bella in spite of his disagreement with her choices, but also of Edward for Bella's sake. Bella is a lucky girl, broken leg or no.

Ooooh, the animosity between Edward and Jacob?? Hot, wild hatred. Gonna make for a good next movie, huh?

Oh, I just had to say, the end of the movie? With the white lights and the music, and the dancing? How easily he just lifts her up onto his feet so that she doesn't have to feel awkward or clumsy? The way he looks out for her, without her having to tell him how strange it is for her, even though he can't read her.

The last scene, the things they say to each other, that dip? And the slope of her neck exposed like that, and that ever so slow descent of his lips to her throat?? His emotion?

Aaahhhh!! On to Part Two!!!
Wanna watch it with me?

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