It's important to me to keep my schedule, to keep my consistency. To show those of you who come here loyally to read what I have to say, that I still care enough to keep coming here. That this place, that the community we're building together ... it matters.
But lately ... lately, I've been battling the cloud of depression. I've been trying to fight off the nagging feeling that I don't matter, especially within the confines of my family. Ignoring the demoralizing suspicion that if I quietly dissipated into thin air ... no one would even notice.
At least, not until dinnertime, right? Or when someone can't find something?
I've been looking "on the bright side." I've been pretending it doesn't hurt. I've been taking the steps, and going through the motions, and ignoring the complete and utter lack of motivation. I've been pretending that the sense of lonesome emotional emptiness wasn't there.
But I've been struggling.
There's no big post today, no well-thought plan. I'm down to the last hour and my Grandmother broke her hip Sunday night. She's having surgery to have it repaired, and I'm struggling with the idea that it might be the last time I see her.
She's in her 80s; she's got heart trouble and kidney trouble, she's feeble and unhealthy. And she's not a good surgical candidate because of all those things, but it must be done because the alternative is possibly worse - a swift and sudden decline in her quality of life, such as it is.
Her phone number is in the "favorites" list in my phone. She could call even if my phone was silenced - her call would come through. I'm having trouble knowing that that number won't come up anymore (not only because of the surgery, but because her dementia is also nearing the final stages, and she recently moved back into a nursing home for more around-the-clock care. She won't be going home again, even without the hip issue).
So I'm going to be at the hospital today. And that's why there's no post.
But I'll be back Thursday ... and I'll try to be normal again.