Monday, April 10, 2017

Monday Minute: Excuses, Excuses.

Last week I gave you my confessions, a simple list of true things I wanted to confess. Today I'm giving my excuses, which is basically the same thing, but sprinkled with shame. Lucky for me, this is a therapy day, so I'm gonna go get my head shrunk and hopefully I'll be my mostly-normal self again by Wednesday.

In the meantime, here's a list of all the things that are wrong with this post - along with my excuses for all those things.


Thing 1: There isn't a pretty graphic to go with this post.

  • I lack the emotional energy to create one. I literally can't even. So I'm not.

Thing 2: This isn't even pretending to be a real post. It's got a theme, sure, but it ISN'T even close to following along with the plan-with-me style that I wanted to adopt for this segment.
  • Again, I can't even. Thursday, I found out Eden's going to need surgery again. Next month. I'm so exhausted with surgeries. Mothers should NEVER get used to signing anesthesia waivers that basically say, "I know you might kill my kid, but please proceed." It's the most horrible feeling on the planet - and it's even worse because ... you know what? Sometimes a woman just needs to be wrapped up in someone who will pet her hair and tell her it's all going to be okay and make her believe it. I haven't had that in a LONG time.
  • I'm tired. Single momming is hard even without the constant issues. I don't sleep well even on my best days, and these recent ones have not been my best. I'm exhausted.
  • I'm discouraged. I hit a milestone this week that I've been super excited about, but I made the mistake of sharing my excitement over that with the wrong person and came out feeling about two inches tall and totally beaten down.
  • I'm in the thick of another bout of depression. I'm unmotivated, totally negative, really down on myself, and feeling like utter crap. Yes, I know I've done a good job here. Yes, I know I've accomplished a bunch of goals. Yes, I even have one of this quarter's goals checked off already. But right this minute when I feel like an unwantable, unlovable, worthless, total failure - none of that is really getting through.
  • I had a personal appointment Friday that STRESSED. ME. OUT.
  • Between the news on Thursday, my appointment on Friday, the depression and the not sleeping, I'm having panic attacks pretty regularly again. They're hitting me at all hours of the day and night. Bilateral tapping isn't really helping, music doesn't calm them ... I feel like I've got splinters in my brain and every fifth thought accidentally touches one.

Thing 3: I'm cheating. This third thing doesn't even count because it's just a placeholder because I suck so much I couldn't even come up with a third thing, and a list isn't a list when it only has two things on it.
  • Alright fine. Maybe this one is a little melodramatic. It's been a long week, okay?

And with all that being said, I also need to say this: I'm trying really hard not to be "negative," and the pressure to "look on the bright side" is painful. So I'm going to practice what I preach, when it comes to mental health and self-care. I'm going to take a day off and relax. I'm going to go to therapy. I'm going to come home and take an afternoon bath - with extra pampering, mirror work, the whole nine yards. I'm going to sit in the house alone, listen to the quiet, and sip a mug of coffee. I'm going to unplug as much as possible.

I might even let myself slow down long enough to take a nap.

But this too shall pass - so I'll see you Wednesday.

48 comments:

  1. Sending you a HUGE HUG as I think you need one desperately. I hope surgery goes well please keep us posted.
    Did your appointment turn out ok? Take care of yourself your girls need you. ❤️

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    1. Thank you! I definitely have been needing some love lately, and I really love seeing your comments here.

      My appointment went ... as I expected it to. I'm still waiting to see what will come of it, actually.

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  2. Oh momma, I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you have an outlet with your blog. I can't imagine what you're going through. Depression on top of it all. I know that only too well. Sending hugs.

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    1. Thank you ... this has definitely been a healthy outlet for me. I'm not sure where I'd be right now (from an emotional/mental standpoint) if I hadn't had this place to go and unload. And it's such an amazing thing to watch it grow into a place of support.

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  3. I'm sorry. Just make sure to take care of yourself. I know that's easier said than done when you have kids, but please try!

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    1. Definitely easier said than done. I'm hoping some of the things I've been working on recently will make life a little less of a hot mess soon though. Once I've got my stress levels under control again, I'm looking forward to getting another novel (finally) written.

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  4. It sounds like you have a lot going on. It's tough when our kids need to have surgeries and/or special procedures/tests. There was a time I felt I could recite the forms and sign them blindfolded. It's hard to stay positive when there is so much going on at the same time—even when we have positives in our life and have achieved goals. I struggle with this myself. I love that you recognize the importance of self-care. Sending you virtual hugs. Did writing this post help you? For me, being able to write about what is going on and my feelings often makes a difference.

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    1. I definitely have a lot going on - I still can't decide if it's sad or funny that I see a trauma therapist weekly, and when I sit in her office and talk, sometimes she just shakes her head.

      Thank you for being here and taking the time to leave support in your comment - it definitely helped to write this post, both because I could acknowledge my struggles and because I could offer an explanation to my readers instead of just not showing up with a post. Not to mention, bringing my struggles here gives me a certain freedom that I don't really have in my personal life right now, so it's good that I have a place to just talk things out in my own head - and even more so because the public nature of blogging means I can offer solidarity to readers in similar situations. Sometimes that's all you need, you know? Just to know someone else "out there" is going through it too.

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  5. Take a break for as long as you need. It sounds like you have A LOT going on right now and we will be here when you get back.

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    1. Aww, thanks, Robin! Sometimes I think that's why I feel so much pressure to stick to the schedule. I love my readers - I'd hate for anyone to think I just dropped off and then stop coming here.

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear about this bad moment... be strong and take care of yourself, try to look at the bright side of things... This is only a period, all will be fine soon!

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  7. Oh dear, I feel for you. I hope your daughter's surgery goes well, and you have my permission to have yourself a good scream if you want to.

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  8. Sorry things aren't going all that well for you at the moment. Sending my good wishes. It is okay to be negative sometimes and not look on the bright side. You can always save that for later, when you are feeling better.

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    1. Thank you! The ability to stay positive comes and goes for me - and after a lifetime of being referred to as "Negative Nelly" or "Negative Nancy," I'm learning to be okay with the fact that I'm not always sunshiny.

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  9. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Hope you feel better soon and that everything will turn out for the best!

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    1. Thank you. I hope sharing here will let someone else know that if they have a lot going on too, at least they aren't alone.

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  10. Aww, sending you hugs. Just give it time & I'm sure you'll surely get your groove back. For now, do get some me-time and a glass of wine ( if you like wine ).

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    1. Haha! I definitely like wine! And hey, that's not such a bad idea ...

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  11. I suffer Major Depressive Disorder Order so I feel your pain. Just remember we are not called to be all things to all people....and most of the time isn't that what we are trying to do by feeling like we HAVE to do x,y and z? Hang in there, chickie and much love!

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    1. Thank you! I definitely do that - I'm a people-pleaser by nature, and it's hard to accept that sometimes I just CAN'T do it all.

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    2. I am too! The struggle is real! Hang in there, lady. You are definitely not alone!

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    3. Also I meant....I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder so...lol Sorry. I was half asleep when I made the original comment but truly do understand.

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    4. No problem! I assumed that was what you meant - it happens to all of us now and then.

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  12. It's hard to keep up with blogging goals when you have other things on your mind. Good luck!!

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    1. It definitely is. I'm definitely still trying though - I love this too much to not do it.

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  13. I am going to message you on my break hun, stay strong lovely. Sorry to hear about Eden and the fact that you are facing this all alone. But do you know what, your a strong person and good things will come to good people like yourself x

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    1. Thanks for being so sweet, Ana - I've really loved getting to know you. There's really something special about knowing there's someone else in the same place as me, even if you are on the other side of the world.

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  14. Really feeling bad after reading the article. Don't feel alone God is with you :) Hope everything will be fine very soon. Be strong Brandi (Y)

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    1. No need to feel bad - I've survived so much in my life, and I don't intend to stop surviving it anytime soon. In fact, I'm going to THRIVE.

      Thanks for your comment.

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  15. Sending virtual hugs! Please know that I am praying for you. yep, that will pass. relax and give your self some self care.

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  16. Hey Brandi! Sorry you are having such a rough time. I think things get difficult from time to time. And I certainly feel like I am lost sometimes. And I definitely feel alone. I wish I had help, but far too often I have someone fighting me and my ability to take care of my daughter, which feels more difficult than being alone. Ah well. I hope that things get better and if you ever need someone to talk to or vent to, I'm a listening ear.

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  17. Take your time and rest, you need it. I will be happy to connect if you need someone to talk to :)

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    1. Thanks, Ruth - you're a dear! Sometimes we just push ourselves too hard, don't we?

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  18. Take care of your self! I feel like this some times but it is ok. Just take one day at a time, and if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and eat a Snickers bar.

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    1. Haha! I've actually done that before! Are you spying on me??

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  19. Dear Brandi,
    I'm so sorry to hear about the current challenges you are experiencing.
    I know it's human nature to want to wish it all away and pull the blinds back. But, in our deepest pain, we often connect to a reservoir within that bouys us up and helps us find our footing again.
    It might not be pretty but, it is necessary work for our survival. I lift you up in prayer and comforting love.
    Sending healing light, warmth, and love your way.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment and your support. Now and then, you just need to know someone understands and is wishing you the best, and the way my personal life is currently set up, I don't always feel like I have that.

      This blog has been such a blessing to me; it's so healing to be able to come here with my stories and know that there will be someone out there who knows exactly what to say.

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  20. wishing you the best! things will get better!! keep that chin up!! 8)

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  21. I feel so much for you. You might be tired of hearing this but this too shall pass. I'm sure you're going to be fine but until then, do what you can to make yourself feel better and lighter than the weight that you're currently carrying.

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    1. Actually, that's one of my favorite mantras. It's a great reminder that all things are temporary, and no struggle is forever.

      I'll definitely be fine - I've been through a lot, and I've survived all of it so far. I'll survive this challenge too ... but sometimes, it just feels too hard.

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  22. Thank you for being so transparent and honest regarding this moment in your life. This storm will pass. You need to tell your Storm today..Storm you can't win!

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    1. Thank you! I keep a photo/meme in my phone as a reminder that I don't need to tell God how very big my storms are - I need to tell my storms how very big my God is, so that I'll have confidence to walk through them like He wants me to.

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  23. Blogging is a great outlet! I use it for this reason too! It's great to read something so honest!

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    1. It's definitely a great outlet! There are few things in the human life that are as important as having a place to be yourself, and I love that this is mine - I also love that I can share it with other people who might relate to what I'm saying.

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