Last week I gave you my confessions, a simple list of true things I wanted to confess. Today I'm giving my excuses, which is basically the same thing, but sprinkled with shame. Lucky for me, this is a therapy day, so I'm gonna go get my head shrunk and hopefully I'll be my mostly-normal self again by Wednesday.
In the meantime, here's a list of all the things that are wrong with this post - along with my excuses for all those things.
Thing 1: There isn't a pretty graphic to go with this post.
- I lack the emotional energy to create one. I literally can't even. So I'm not.
Thing 2: This isn't even pretending to be a real post. It's got a theme, sure, but it ISN'T even close to following along with the plan-with-me style that I wanted to adopt for this segment.
- Again, I can't even. Thursday, I found out Eden's going to need surgery again. Next month. I'm so exhausted with surgeries. Mothers should NEVER get used to signing anesthesia waivers that basically say, "I know you might kill my kid, but please proceed." It's the most horrible feeling on the planet - and it's even worse because ... you know what? Sometimes a woman just needs to be wrapped up in someone who will pet her hair and tell her it's all going to be okay and make her believe it. I haven't had that in a LONG time.
- I'm tired. Single momming is hard even without the constant issues. I don't sleep well even on my best days, and these recent ones have not been my best. I'm exhausted.
- I'm discouraged. I hit a milestone this week that I've been super excited about, but I made the mistake of sharing my excitement over that with the wrong person and came out feeling about two inches tall and totally beaten down.
- I'm in the thick of another bout of depression. I'm unmotivated, totally negative, really down on myself, and feeling like utter crap. Yes, I know I've done a good job here. Yes, I know I've accomplished a bunch of goals. Yes, I even have one of this quarter's goals checked off already. But right this minute when I feel like an unwantable, unlovable, worthless, total failure - none of that is really getting through.
- I had a personal appointment Friday that STRESSED. ME. OUT.
- Between the news on Thursday, my appointment on Friday, the depression and the not sleeping, I'm having panic attacks pretty regularly again. They're hitting me at all hours of the day and night. Bilateral tapping isn't really helping, music doesn't calm them ... I feel like I've got splinters in my brain and every fifth thought accidentally touches one.
Thing 3: I'm cheating. This third thing doesn't even count because it's just a placeholder because I suck so much I couldn't even come up with a third thing, and a list isn't a list when it only has two things on it.
- Alright fine. Maybe this one is a little melodramatic. It's been a long week, okay?
And with all that being said, I also need to say this: I'm trying really hard not to be "negative," and the pressure to "look on the bright side" is painful. So I'm going to practice what I preach, when it comes to mental health and self-care. I'm going to take a day off and relax. I'm going to go to therapy. I'm going to come home and take an afternoon bath - with extra pampering, mirror work, the whole nine yards. I'm going to sit in the house alone, listen to the quiet, and sip a mug of coffee. I'm going to unplug as much as possible.
I might even let myself slow down long enough to take a nap.
But this too shall pass - so I'll see you Wednesday.