You guys know how much I love music, how much it impacts me. If you've been around here for long, you know the song that I think of as my personal anthem, how I chose it, and how that song impacted my life. You know the song that speaks so much into the heart of what motherhood means to me.
Some of you know that I have a specific song for every person, moment, mood, and feeling that means anything to me - whether it be good or bad.
So it's only natural (in my world, in my circumstances) that this song would hit me hard with the impact of its meaning, right from the first lines.
For the woman who has been plus-sized since puberty, for the girl who grew up listening to whispered debates about how she would look in a bikini or whether she would ever be able to "lose the weight," the idea of a Barbie world is very much a real concept. The Barbie world is where the pretty people live, the girls with the long legs, the girls with round hips and slender waists, the girls with big breasts and deep cleavage. The girls who aren't short. The girls with a thigh gap. The girls with skinny upper arms. The girls who care enough to perfect the eyeliner wing, who actually want to glue eyelashes onto their faces every morning.
I'm never gonna be one of those girls. And that's okay.
It's strange for me sometimes, to be a romance author, to be a lover of love, of sweetness, of weddings and love songs, an empath who gets butterflies over the right poem or character - or person. Why? Because I want that for myself - SOMEDAY. But not today. Today I'm still damaged. I'm still injured. I'm still fragile.
I'm still putting back together what was broken by the harsh, smothering grip of ... what I've been through - and the shame of never being enough. I'm still learning to realize what was because of me, and what was ... not. And part of that means loving my own company again, without being told what my company is lacking. It means trusting my own judgement again, loving what I love without feeling ashamed, and leaving the rest without feeling wrong. It means seeing - and meeting - my own needs again, looking after myself and my girls, without being resented for having needs in the first place. It means taking charge of my own emotional health and issues, without taking the blame for someone else's.
It means putting my armor on and standing up to fight for myself and what I'm worth. It means knowing what I want, the kind of treatment I deserve as a woman, as a human, as a child of God. And it means NEVER again accepting less than what I deserve.
There's something in the beat of this song that gets me moving, that gets my blood pumping and my energy flowing. It lets me release the anger and the resentment, it lets me turn inward even as the bitterness washes off and away. And it's that freedom, the accepting of what is and the determination to repair the breaks in my spirit, that make me HBIC. Head bitch in charge.
If you've ever needed to be reminded that life is about so much more than the "pretty" ... If you've ever needed someone to tell you that you don't have to conform ... If you've ever needed a safe place to be yourself and there was no safe place to be found ... If you ever gave in, stifled, starving, suffocated, smothered ... shattered ...
Let me remind you. Let me tell you. Let this be your place. Remove the bondage, and the baggage, and the brokenness. Because:
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHUT UP. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GRATEFULLY ACCEPT SOMETHING THAT IS NOTHING NEAR WHAT YOU DESERVE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONFORM TO THE BARBIE WORLD.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT STILL. AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK PRETTY, EITHER.
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