Friday Feels: June

It's a little hard to believe it's already time for another Friday Feels - so much has changed in my life in the last few weeks, and yet it sometimes feels like nothing has changed or is ever going to. Time is funny that way isn't it? Always moving so fast while somehow not moving at all.

As you can imagine though, with so much changing that I wasn't ready for, and so much not changing that I wish would, I've been pretty much having all the feels. And with so much going on, my PTSD symptoms have been worsened again, leading to a deeper decompensation. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make several of my goals this quarter, I'm always on the verge of tears, my appetite is small, my lust for coffee is large, and I can't sleep. Sometimes I'm too unfocused to remember my night meds (for blood pressure, anxiety, and depression), and then by the time I'm in bed and I remember, I'm too depressed and exhausted to bother getting back up for them.

It's a fun ride, that's for sure.

So let's see what feelings the random emotion generator I use wants us to talk about this month, shall we?

1. Annoyed:
This month, really the one thing I'm most terribly annoyed by is time itself. I have things in my life that I desperately need to move faster, things I've done everything I can do to shove along, and yet, time drags on. Each day passes into the next with seemingly little progress, and yet I'm treading as hard as I can beneath the surface. Health stuff is taking too long, answers are taking too long, and treatment has too much red tape. Moving stuff is taking too long, everything's going too slow. And yet, I'm buffeted from all sides by people asking, "What's next?" and "What are you doing?" and "When is it decided?" and "What happens now?"

It annoys me that I can't answer any of those questions because so many of the answers depend on answers to other questions which are still as yet unanswered. I'm pushing, and moving, and striving ... but there is so much "wait" - and I have never been much good at that. Because it's annoying.

2. Cautious:
My whole life these days is all about caution - all about remembering the things I can't say, who I can't say them to. Who is safe to be honest with, who is genuine, and who has more than one face/personality. I've made the mistake of trusting the wrong people, believing in the wrong people.

I've made a mistake with letting my guard down, and I've allowed myself to seek refuge in a mirage. What I've learned from that is that life - particularly my life - is a floor covered in eggshells. And to traverse from one side to the other with as little damage as possible, one must remember to be cautious. I am endeavoring now to be much more attentive to the necessity of this.

3. Disappointed:
You know that feeling you get when you put your faith in someone only to find out that they didn't deserve your confidence? When you take them at face value only to find out the face they show the world wasn't the real one? That feeling that washes over you like a tidal wave of spiritual acid when you realize that you've set someone in your mind and heart as a mentor, only to have them systematically dismantle every shred of respect you had for them? The sick, nauseated feeling that sinks into the pit of your stomach when you invest yourself in uplifting someone else - only to have them turn to tear you down?

Yeah. That's disappointment. I've definitely been feeling my fair share of that.

4. Elated:
Despite everything that's happening, I'm still excited about the upcoming move for the girls and I. As slow as everything is going, I remind myself constantly that it is going forward bit by bit, piece by piece. The move is coming, and while there is still so much in question, some things are already decided. My girls and I have been making plans, I've been brainstorming ideas, and as things begin to come together for this, I'm finding myself more and more excited to see it all unfold despite those working to sabotage the effort. My faith is growing stronger through all of it as I watch God work, and I've been reminding myself constantly of several favorite scriptures:

  • Romans 8:31 NIV ... What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
  • Isaiah 54:17 NKJV ... No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgement you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me, says the Lord.
  • Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV ... Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
The last few years of my life have been a journey in so many ways - I'm excited that through all of it, so much progress has been made in every area of my life. The move, while nerve-wracking for so many reasons, is just another proof of God's protection and faithfulness.

5. Fearful:
I've talked here a few times about the way I love to share my daughters' birth stories with them. They know about the days leading up to their births, what I was feeling, who I talked to, even what I ate. They know how much I anticipated them, how much I wanted them, what I thought about how they looked and how earnestly I watched over them as their health issues began to unfold.

I don't know that many details about my own birth, and that's coming back to bite me right now - there are questions I can't answer, questions for which I've had to do my own research and find my own answers. In the coming months, I'll see if I'm right or I'm totally on the wrong track. If I'm right, I'll explore the various options set before me - and if I'm wrong, I'll explore those options too.

When I have answers, I'll share them here ... but in the meantime I can't decide which is scarier or more frustrating: I am afraid I'm right, afraid of what that probably will mean for my health and wellness in the future. I am afraid of what being right could mean for the health and wellness of my children. But I think I'm just as afraid of being wrong - because then I'm still left with so many questions unanswered.

6. Grateful:
As my life has changed in recent years, certain things have gotten harder even as others got easier. I lost connection with friends who meant a lot to me, family members I had longed for closeness with. Lost a romantic relationship I was done with but not quite ready to let go of.

And in the absence of so much toxicity, space opened up in my life. Space which has been filled over the last year or so with new friends, people who step up to be encouraging, who are right there to answer a question or help solve a problem. And every day I'm grateful for the encouragement and support of these people, because they give me the strength to keep pushing when all I want to do is crawl in a corner and quit. These people mean the world to me - and as much as I try to tell them, I can never seem to find the right words. Nonetheless, I'm grateful.

7. Indecisive:
With everything changing so much in my life, there's honestly a great deal of indecision. On so many different issues and challenges, I'm facing a "which-door-do-I-open" sort of situation ... and sometimes I know that I'm not going to like what's behind any of the doors, so I'm just making the best educated choices I can make with the options currently available to me.

The real challenge here is finding the confidence to trust my own judgement despite those in my life who are ableist, judgmental, opinionated, and often outright rude without truly taking the time (or mustering the compassion) to really understand the enormity of the doors I'm choosing between.

8. Jealous:
Such a petty emotion, jealousy. Isn't it? It's a thing that destroys friendships, families. It's a thing that births bullying and feeds crime. It's the root of competition - "I want what you have." I try not to allow myself to feel too much jealousy; it really is an unhealthy emotion to indulge in.

But I'm only human, and I feel jealousy just the same as any other human. Writers with closer support networks make me jealous, because while I do have some support, I still largely lack the proud inner network of supporters many other writers take for granted. I am jealous of happy couples, people who are in healthy partnership with someone they know they can count on, someone to take up the slack for them, someone to cut them a break. I am jealous of people who get promotions and other forms of positive feedback. I am jealous of the rich, because while I don't really crave wealth in any specific way, what I crave is to have enough. I envy those who do have enough and still aren't satisfied.

9. Offended:
I think this month what I've been most offended by is actually pretty similar to what had me feeling so irate last month. I've mentioned here how much I despise double standards and the people who live by them, but what really upsets me about people like that is when they judge and condemn others in the name of Christianity. Faith is such a personal thing, I don't actually like to mention it here all that often other than in passing - but my faith is incredibly important to me and I deeply value my relationship with God.

So it pisses me right off when someone is walking around making other people feel small in the name of Jesus. He would never have done that.

But I guess the plus side of this is that it's inspired a great lesson for me to teach my daughters. I use our life and the situations we find ourselves in pretty often to illustrate certain life lessons to my kids, and one of the lessons I've been teaching them most diligently in recent years is that in every action of their lives, they're making a choice as Christians. I've taught them that in every moment, they can either draw people in to God - or they can shove them away.

It hurts my heart to know that people I once saw as beautiful examples of God on Earth have become people I now fear, people who have left my spirit wounded ... people who shoved me away so far from God that I began to wonder if I would ever find my way back.

Yes, it offends me.

10. Peaceful:
Despite it all, I'm peaceful in general. The one thing each moment guarantees - whether it's a good one or a bad one - is that it will pass. Nothing lasts forever. And there is always, always the safety of this.

So tell me, what have you been feeling this Friday - and why are you feeling it? More importantly, what are you learning from the way your experiences make you feel, and what are you planning to do with those lessons?

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