Sunday, March 17, 2024

I've Been Grinding So Long, Been Tryin' This Shit for Years...

And I got nothing to show, just climbing this rope right here...and if there's a man upstairs, He kept bringing me rain...but I've been sending up prayers and something's changed. I think I finally found my hallelujah.

This has been one of my favorite songs for years - I love the feel-good vibes, the irrepressible energy. But I also love that it speaks to trials and overcoming them too. My last active publication was in 2020, and the last one before that was 2016; the years in between have been full of seemingly insurmountable challenges. My children both had serious health problems, so did I. We lost my aunt, my grandmother, both of my parents. My daughters lost their other grandmother as well. I got married - and divorced. So much has happened, and all of those circumstances impacted my family, my health, my ability to cope with PTSD, and yes, my creative output. The man upstairs was certainly bringing me rain.

But in the same way that spring rains sometimes flood as they bring revival to trees, flowers, and wildlife, when I sat down in September 2023 and decided to get back to writing no matter what, everything in my life turned. I felt like I found myself again. I formulated a comeback plan, a sort-of schedule. Revamped my website, this blog, my social media pages. Put deep thought into what I want my life to look like, who I want to have in it, where I want it to go. Sent up so many prayers. Took so many steps of obedience. And not just something, but everything changed.

Baby steps can feel so small, so pointless. It's easy to feel like you're getting nowhere. Grinding with nothing to show. Spending six days a week in front of a computer screen, sacrificing social aspects of your life for a future dream that is in no way guaranteed. But there are (on average) 2,000 steps in a mile...those baby steps add up.

This week, I finally finished that backwards edit! FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM has now been totally rewritten for a second edition, almost completely edited, and is now on to the next step in the plan - one last forward read for continuity. I got the file down from 221 to 207 pages, and it went from just under 140,000 to 113,675 words. Still a little over the 110,000 I was aiming for (and this is still without the Letter from the Author that will be added to the back), but this count includes the front matter, dedication, intro, and things like that - so I'm calling it a job well done.

Putting it aside to wait for the rest of my plan to play out is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I still believe in this plan, and I'm so thankful for those of you who believe in me enough to be patient. Keep an eye on those sidebar graphics - they should be changing this week to reflect the progress of the final read-through, and then I'll be writing a completely new novel for the first time in almost 10 years.

I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

Sunday, March 10, 2024

It Ain't About How Fast I Get There...

...It ain't about what's waiting on the other side...it's the climb...

This past week was crazy. We're prepping for being out of school for Spring Break, I spent most of the week helping another author edit and publish a grief memoir, I decluttered my house a little more, had a bunch of ministry stuff...and still managed to get the things I needed to do done. I even managed to tuck a few moments of really amazing quality time in with my youngest daughter.

I won't lie though; it was a little stressful at some points, and by Friday I wasn't sure I'd be marking this week off as a win after all.

The thing is, life is a series a baby steps. We only get one moment at a time, and the only thing we can do is make it count. String it together with other moments, call it a day. String those together, call them a week. And while it's healthy to have goals and aspirations, they shouldn't be another source of self-flagellation. Goals aren't good for you if they're the reason you're walking around bruised in your heart because of the way you beat yourself up over them.

So, with that said, here's how my baby steps are bringing us closer to accomplishing my giant, terrifying, seemingly impossible writing plan: I'm still working backwards through FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM, and my goal for the end of Friday was to have gotten back to page 60. I'm still working on getting this massive novel below 110,000 words, but we're getting there! As of right now, it's a little under 118,000, so with 60 pages left to go, I'm feeling pretty confident - even in the moments of impatience. This novel is incredible...the way it shows Christine's story and her growth through a terrifying, traumatizing set of experiences is just...well, I'm proud of it. I hope to finish the backwards-edit this week (since there's no school, there will be no school run, and I'd like to use that extra time to wrap this part of the process), and if that works out, next week will be one last forward-read before I shelve this book and move into the next phase of my plan.

In preparation, I've been doing a little bit of plotting on STILL FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM, and I'm super excited about that one because it's a fresh novel. This work I've been doing on FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM (Freedom Series, book one) has all been in a second edition format, so while there are several new scenes, edits, and changes, this was a novel I had already written completely. But STILL FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM (obviously, Freedom Series, book two) will be completely new - the first full-length novel I've written in almost a decade. I'm excited to see how my process has changed and grown over the years, excited to see how the rest of Christine's story will play out, and so, so excited to get to share it all here!

Because as impatient as I get sometimes, as much as I'm in a hurry to reach the destination, to announce the release of all these books I'm writing...it really is all about the journey. To those of you who have been riding with me since the beginning, thank you for believing. For hanging on. For your patience and your encouragement. It means everything.

Which means it's time for me to get back at it. See you next week!

Sunday, March 3, 2024

Tumble Out of Bed and Stumble to the Kitchen...

...I pour myself a cup of ambition, yawn and stretch and try to come to life...

As we head into another week - one that isn't full of doctor's appointments for a change, I thought this would be a good time to answer a question I've been asked a lot lately: "How do you do it all?" I think the best way to answer that is...I have no idea. Lots of caffeine?

But more realistically, here's what a typical productive weekday looks like for me.

6:25am: The alarm goes off for the first time. Mornings are the hardest part of the day for me because with PTSD, I don't always sleep well. I dream often, and most of my dreams are frightening, confusing, or both. Also, peri-menopause means night sweats, and lots of them.

6:45am: The second alarm goes off. Due my problems with getting adequate, restful sleep, I will often have fallen back to sleep after the first alarm, so this second one helps to make sure I get my kid to school on time.

7:00am: This is the last one, and by the time this alarm goes off, I'm either already awake enough to at least get out of bed, or angry enough at the alarm that the frustration sends me stomping drunkenly to the bathroom. I've got spina bifida and a host of other back problems, so mornings are stiff for me - this is when my balance is at its worst, and the fact that my brain is still in an absolute fog rarely helps.

7:10am: Wake up my younger daughter while trying desperately not to wake the oldest. My oldest is even more grouchy than I am in the mornings, and we don't interact well before the sun rises. The youngest, however, usually springs out of bed full of life and ready to have sixteen conversations at once, so I get her going, grumble instructions to get up, get ready, do the things, and then escape to the quiet of my own bedroom.

8:00am: Pop the cap on a Monster Zero Ultra (because Covid left me unable to tolerate either the taste or smell of coffee and I'm still trying to avoid diabetes but can't survive without caffeine) and hop in the car, headed off to drop the youngest off for school.

8:20am: My cousin calls for our daily check-in.

9:10am: I'm back home, off the phone, and ready to start the day.

11:00am: By this time, my brain is awake, my back is hurting, and I'm usually finished with my daily dose of social media interaction. I'm not a fan of social media in general because people are hateful, but hey, be the change you want to see, right? So on my own social pages, I post quotes I love, along with little tidbits about my life and experiences - and on other people's pages, I seek out posts on personal development, self-empowerment, faith, crafts, books, motherhood...you get the drift. I try to interact with a few posts every day. They call it social for a reason, I guess. The hope with this is that since I'm out there and I'm active, someone will actually hear me screaming into the void when I finish my plan and begin to publish again. I might take a break to move my legs, stop the blood from pooling frighteningly in my left foot, and get some breakfast. Frequently, I skip breakfast because being allergic to so many things means meals are often more complicated than I care to bother with.

12:00pm: Finished with the social media side, I'm ready to get into the writing side of my day, which lately has meant staring at my computer until my eyes cross. Line editing is not fun at all, it takes forever and feels like I'm getting nowhere. But you guys, the second edition of FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM is so good. Like so, so good. I know I keep saying that, but every time I sit down with this book, I'm more proud of it. Believing so much in this story but having to shelve it until I complete my plan is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever made myself do...but I believe in my plan too, so I'll do my best to stick with it. I hope you all think it's worth the waiting.

3:00pm: Hopefully I've checked all my writing boxes for the day, but most days I haven't. Either way, I've got to stop and go get my little one from school, which means a mandatory break. This usually works out because by now, my blood is pooled in my left foot again, my back is screaming, my eyes are blurry, and since I have a weird habit of sitting with my right leg curled up under me, my right foot hurts too. So I get up super carefully, wait until my feet and legs promise to cooperate, and dash out the door.

4:00pm: Back home again, and hoping to get a little more accomplished before dinner. There have been interruptions sprinkled throughout the day - phone calls, texts, chats with my oldest daughter, potty breaks (some for me, some for the dog) - but those were nothing compared to the evenings at my house. Some days are easier than others, but there are days when, even though my kids are older, I can barely take a breath without one of my girls standing right there to smell it. Sometimes it's frustrating, but most of the time I'm grateful. These frustrating moments are the ones where I realize that I did something right. My kids are older, so the fact that they're always RIGHT THERE means they choose to be. And that's a blessing.

6:00pm: If I haven't already finished for the day (usually I have) then it's time for another break. We have dinner, get the dog fed, and get into the nightly routine of medical management, teeth-brushing, shower-taking, etc. If writing wasn't finished for the day, then I'm back at it; if I was finished, then I'll hang with the girls for a while or spend some time reading or crocheting.

Bedtime: Once the girls are both settled for the night and the mom-duties are finished, this is when I get a little time that's all my own. Usually, this is when I spend a little time with God, checking in after the day, reading my Bible, and giving thanks for another day. Then I head for the shower, spend a little time reading in bed afterward to let my back settle, and try to get some sleep because if I'm lucky, another day is on the horizon.

What's your typical day look like?

Sunday, February 25, 2024

God is Great, Beer is Good...

...And people are crazy.

Or at least, my life is lately. Last week my oldest daughter had Covid, which wasn't so bad because she's pretty self-sufficient. It didn't impact the editing much - but if you remember, last week was also a crazy run of appointments. This week was actually pretty much the same: it was my youngest daughter's turn with the 'Rona, which we juggled with another run of appointments topped off by classes and other obligations coming due.

This time it did impact my writing, and I'm a little behind where I had hoped to be by now. (Editing backwards? Very efficient, but also very slow.) Still, the show must go on, so here's where we stand. Currently, FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM is 213 pages, 121,099 total words. I've got 108 pages left to edit (Remember, we're going backward as we shave the fat from this whopper of a novel!) to shave this baby down to 110,000 words, but you guys, I can't even tell you how in love I am with the way this story has developed. I've said it before but I don't mind saying it again: I was proud of this book when I first published it in 2013, but now? I literally don't know a word that adequately expresses my level of excitement over this. Ecstatic just doesn't cover it.

That being said, if this book is ever going to get finished, I'd better get back to it, so I'm off to fill my planner and dig back in for the evening. If you're not following me on social media, you might not have noticed but lately, I'm adding (almost) daily updates to my stories on Facebook and Instagram, so come check me out!

Sunday, February 18, 2024

Progress, Not Perfection

This was a theme for me this week: progress, not perfection. I'm not a perfectionist by any means, and I've learned over the years to accept the limitations of time and capability. I've learned a lot about being compassionate too, not only with others but with myself. To top it all off, I'm still healing toxic shame and working on tendencies to people-please and self-sacrifice.

But with all that said, I do hold myself to a high standard and I want to know that what I do with my life is worthwhile. Sometimes this is a struggle because I have a very active life, and that activity often leads to issues with time management - which means I'm not always as realistically capable as I want to be (or think I should be).

This week that played out in my editing, which is still coming along beautifully - but taking so long. Currently, FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM is coming in at 216 pages, 124,527 total words. I've got 135 pages left to go and still need to shave it down to 110,000 words, and you guys, I am just about dying to share this. Literally, I'm beginning to doubt my ability to follow the timing of my original plan because I'm just so impatient to see this project in the hands of readers. The week was full of other life things too, though, so that definitely had an impact on the time I was able to dedicate to this project. My oldest daughter had covid, my younger daughter had a doctor's appointment and another separate doctor visit for an injury, I had two doctor's appointments, we had church stuff, my geriatric dog isn't feel well, and yesterday was my (fabulous fortieth) birthday - so it was a busy week.

Which brings us neatly back to progress, not perfection - and while I'm a long way from perfection in the process, I do think the end product is going to be spectacular. In the meantime, those of you who have followed me since the early days might remember that for a while I had a t-shirt design...and after a few people asked me if there would be new t-shirts, I'm pleased to say that I've rebranded the design to match my new phoenix crest. I've set up a little just-for-fun Zazzle store, and I'm slowly working on adding new items, but t-shirts and bumper stickers (and tote bags, oh my!) are now available.

I'd like to say that next week will be calmer and therefore more productive, but I can't. I've got two doctor's appointments, my younger daughter has a doctor's appointment (and her first high school formal dance!), we've got church stuff, and I've got a ministry class - so we'll just do our best and see what the week brings. That being said, I'm hoping to get through another 30 pages of editing, so I'll see you here next weekend and let you know how it went.

And now, I'm off to do as much editing as I can get through before it's time for Winter Jam '24!

Sunday, February 11, 2024

Oops, I Did It Again...

 I overplanned.

Couldn't keep up.

Okay, enough of that. (But if you didn't hear the song while you read that, I'm a little disappointed.)

So this past week was supposed to be crazy productive, right? I had originally planned to dig straight into STILL FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM, but ended up deciding not to start writing until FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM is 100% complete and ready to set aside, which meant I needed more editing in order to polish and get the story into the hands of my beta team.

The text file for FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM was 221 pages long and closing in on 140 thousand words, so I filled my planner for the week with editing goals; I went into editing week planning to work my way backwards through the file (so as not to get caught up in the story because you guys, it's SO good and I'm SO proud of it) paragraph by paragraph, and shave about 30 thousand useless words off that bad boy, with a target of 110 thousand words before I call it finished and send it to the betas. So 220 pages divided by my six-day writing week came to a whopping 60 pages a day.

"Cool, I got this."

Except, I totally didn't. By Monday afternoon, I had recalculated to 40 pages and accepted that there was no way I could do this in one week - but I barely made it through 20 pages Monday because I care about this book. I spent time on each paragraph, each page, meticulously rewording things, removing unnecessary bits, and shaving things down. The thing is, it takes approximately forever to do it that way. But I'm slogging through because it matters.

Currently, I'm on page 164 of this massive file (which, if you remember the backwards part, means I still have 164 pages to go), and have gotten down to just below 127 thousand words. I still have a long way to go, but I am insanely excited about this rewrite. I've said before, I was proud of this book when I first wrote it, but oh my goodness, the growth. Even in editing, which is just short of miserable, I am in love with everything about this story.

So I guess I'd better get back to it, because the sooner I finish this one, the sooner we move to the next phase of my plan, the sooner I get to make a new plan.

Unless I die of excitement, which is beginning to look like a very real possibility. In the meantime, my house is still cluttered. Whatever, I'm human. How's your week going?

Sunday, February 4, 2024

Timing Is Funny Sometimes...

So last week, I said I was finished with the rewrite of FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM, and that the plan for the coming week was to deep clean and declutter my entire house, room by room, while the writing rested and I gave my brain a little bit of a break.

It didn't exactly work out that way. Last Sunday night, when I sat down to plan the coming week, I pulled up my phone calendar so that I could add relevant appointments and ministry obligations to my planner. And there was at least one thing for Every. Single. Day. So last week was looking pretty hectic right from the start. At the very least, I was grateful that the busy appointment week happened to coexist with my non-writing week, so I said to myself, "It's fine, I got this. I'll do the appointments, and with each day, I'll dedicate whatever time I can to the declutter in that area."

It didn't work out that way, either. I did end up taking a huge load of donation items out of my house, did end up throwing away lots of things that were broken or otherwise useless in my home, and I did rearrange my bedroom - twice - with the help of a friend who is wildly energetic and always down for a project. She helped me haul my entire bedroom around, watched me hate it, and then helped me haul it all back. But while I was feeling discouraged and upset, she said, "Well, it's really really clean now. You got to dust places you probably have been able to get to in ages." And she was right.

The rest of week followed that same theme; I didn't get nearly enough done for my standards, didn't make nearly as much progress as I wanted to, and I could feel the pressure mounting. So I just had to throw up my hands and say, "The best I've got is all I've got." After that, it got easier to just do what I could and let go of what I couldn't. I do still need to deep clean and declutter several areas of my house - but hey, progress, not perfection, right?

In the meantime, my brain was still meditating on Christine and her story, and bits and pieces of STILL FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM kept floating to the surface of my mind, so I grabbed what I could catch, took notes when needed, and let the next part of Christine's journey to rebuilding her life begin to take form:

  • FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM opens with the worst of the abuse Christine suffered at the hands of her husband, Malachi, and follows her through the process of settling into the Safe House, which is a shelter program for survivors that I made up - because no matter how hard I searched, I couldn't find one that met survivor needs in the kind of holistic way that's really needed. The story unfolds as Christine works through episodes of panic, learning to trust again in friendship, growing new confidence in herself and her abilities, and coping with the aftermath of her willingness to cooperate with the justice system in response to her husband's domestic crimes. And of course, all of this is complicated by her feelings as an old boyfriend re-enters the picture of her life in the most surprising way.
  • STILL FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM will follow the next part of her journey as she copes with living on her own for the first time, exploring and dealing with her fears and feelings as she struggles to get by on her own while experiencing the trauma of her husband's trial, and the complicated emotions involved as she works to continue fostering her new friendships. There is romance blooming on the horizon of her life as well, and this brings its own set of lessons in terms of boundary-setting, confidence, and the willingness to pick yourself and try again after trauma. This is a hard journey to take, and many women struggle mightily with it every day. I hope this second part of the story lends understanding and sisterhood to those women, and that it will give new awareness and a stronger sense of compassion to women who haven't experienced this side of life.
The writing begins tomorrow.