Polished Through Pain: Finding Strength in the Struggle

I'll never forget reading that quote for the first time. My women's group was reading Captivating together at church; I was early for group that day but behind on my reading. So there I sat, alone in my car in the church parking lot, trying to catch up - and that passage hit me like a ton of bricks. In the end, there were many parts of that book that touched (and healed) deep wounds I hadn't even known I was carrying, but this one stuck with me for weeks afterward.

That time in my life was a deep, unspeakably painful season of questioning myself, my purpose, my worth. I was struggling with who I was, the burden of unmet expectations in my life, challenges with my daughters...and I was trying desperately to ignore the fact that I was headed fast for a second divorce. Everywhere I looked in my life, failure was glowing like a neon sign, and no amount of running faster, working harder, or giving more could turn it off. But that book...it was like a personal whisper from God, a reminder that my value wasn't lost. It was there - even if the people around me couldn't (or wouldn't) see it. The message of value and beautiful potential in Captivating was a lifeline, offering a new perspective on who I am and what I can be as a woman.

I knew, on the most intimate level, what it meant to be cast aside. I grew up being treated largely like the bad fruit hanging from the rotten branch of the family tree. Always too much (too serious, too curious, too opinionated, too outspoken), but never enough (grades not high enough, room not clean enough, accomplishments not impressive enough). I was shamed as a quitter when I gave up on things, and shamed as an uppity egomaniac when I shared my ambitions. If you take that beginning, add a woman-hating father, and sprinkle liberally with a cultural/societal blaming of Eve (and therefore, all women) for the downfall of everything in the world, what you get is a young woman who believes on every level that she is inherently flawed. Lacking. Off balance.

That shame lingers, creates shadows in your soul. It leaves hidden pockets of infection that continue to rot even as you make desperate choices you hope will heal the wounds. As a young adult damaged by abuse, abandonment, and misplaced loyalty, I made choices that mirrored my brokenness. I accepted toxic relationships, grieved failed marriages, stumbled under the weight and pressure of single motherhood.

Captivating opened the way for me to explore how I felt about all those things - but it also taught me something new and magical and so filled with graceful encouragement that I sobbed in the overflow. Women are not the last-second afterthought of God's creative genius - and we today are not responsible for Eve back then. Woman was the final touch in His creation, the crowning glory, the completion of the project. Man alone was not good because he needed companionship; woman filled the gap. The icing on the cake of creation. And in the many years since Eve, God has continued to honor and provide for women in countless ways, as beloved daughters of his heart.

In the clarity of that realization, I began to shed layers of internalized shame I should never have been carrying in the first place. I went into group that day, and over the next few weeks we finished the book, but that book changed my life with a quiet whisper of worth that wouldn’t let up.

In seeing and accepting that worth, I began to see boundaries differently, too - rather than restrictive acts of cruelty, they too are a work of love. Just as a parent builds a fence to keep their children from the street, I had to learn that it was okay to set boundaries around myself and my children, to build a fence that could keep good things in and bad things out, and to be proud of knowing the difference. I've always been a “survivor,” but beginning that journey gave me the chance to thrive, to rebuild and reclaim the worth I had always possessed but never recognized.

I wish I could say it was easy, but it wasn't. Healing from trauma and shame is like the emotional equivalent of lifting heavy weights -you tear your muscles in the lifting, and often spend the next few days sore and aching, but that healing is where the growth happens. The healing, the growth...they're the foundational structure of true strength.

Another thing I learned is this: while too much pride is toxic, so is too much humility. Seeing yourself as less than everyone else isn’t humility; it’s a form of self-neglect. It was easy to accept that I’m no better than anyone else - after all, I'd had that idea drilled into my all my life. What was harder to get comfortable with was the idea that I'm no less than anyone else, either.

These and other lessons weave through every form of my writing. Most recently, this journey has spread like welling blood in every chapter of the Freedom Series; FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM is currently available for preorder, and STILL FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM is nearly complete. For those who might be new here, this series follows a year in the life of a woman rebuilding her life after domestic violence; Christine's journey out of abuse requires not just physical escape but emotional and spiritual healing. As she learns, grows, and adapts to new perspectives, I hope she shows readers the power in learning their own value, the comfort found in setting strong boundaries, and that worth isn’t determined by the hands that try to break us. Writing this story has been one of the most painfully challenging and beautifully healing journeys of my life - and I’m thrilled to report that I'm right on track to finish writing by the end of the year.

Until next week, remember that life’s hardest moments bring out the strongest parts of us. Gems aren’t beautiful when they’re first mined (they have to be cut, polished, and shaped), and seeds only grow when they’re buried. So if you're feeling lost lately, or if you've been all but buried under the weight of a heavy life, know this: you're stronger than you think, and every small step forward matters. Keep going. Keep growing. And always listen for the quiet whisper that says...

NOTE: If you'd like to read Captivating too, you can find it here. (Please note, this is an affiliate link; it costs you nothing extra, but qualifying purchases might help keep me caffeinated, thus paving the way for faster writing.)