When Purpose and People-Pleasing Collide

There's a scene in the Freedom Series where Christine is in her first group therapy session, and everyone is sharing bits and pieces of their stories—talking about what they've experienced, what they've allowed to continue in their lives, what drove them to change. And as Christine sits observing, she can't help thinking the group feels a little like a twelve-step meeting.

So, with that in mind...for those of you who don't know me yet...Hi. My name is Brandi, and I am a recovering people pleaser. Setting boundaries with people in my life has never been easy for me, and I've long lost count of the times a strong boundary led to rejection, abandonment, or irreparable damage in relationships I valued.

Several years ago, I read a book that changed my life. As I turned those pages, they painted a disturbing picture, where each new page solidified the image of an exhausted woman, stumbling under the burden of people pleasing and porous boundaries. A woman who never learned how to set boundaries without guilt. A woman who listened when the world told her she was selfish for protecting the time and energy needed to prioritize intentional goals. She was managing time as a busy mom, balancing motherhood and personal goals. She was desperately overwhelmed—but still pursuing dreams no one else seemed to understand.

She was me.

I'd like to say that by the end of that book, I became an expert at balancing relationships and goals. I'd like to say I mastered the fine art of managing expectations from others. I'd really, really like to say that I no longer feel people pleasing guilt, that protecting creative time got easier, and that living with intention has magically made my writing goals and boundaries seamless.

But I can't say any of that without lying.

Too often, saying yes to a purposeful life comes with its own problems, especially when your calling is a solitary activity. These days, our lives are filled with calls to answer and invitations to accept. We've all got dishes to clean and laundry to fold and loved ones we wish we could spend more time with.

It's why so many of us struggle with guilt around boundaries. I know I'm not the first or only person to feel the weight of emotional burnout from overcommitment. We've all dealt with feeling misunderstood by others. We've all felt resentment in relationships. And I'm not a gambler, but I'd be willing to bet that if I mention "the constant pressure to explain yourself," we all know exactly what those words mean.

The trouble is, staying focused on your purpose means you can't accept every invitation. You can't answer every phone call. You can't meet every external expectation...because if you don't show up, the work doesn't get done.

It's funny sometimes, how well God knows what I need. At the beginning of this year, I chose "No" as my focus word—and while a few people did ask questions, I was surprised by how immediate the pushback was. Some people were sad because they saw the warning as I set time boundaries to protect my writing. Some were worried because they were afraid I was isolating due to overwhelm. Some were resentful because they weren't ready to accept the "No" they knew was coming.

What I've learned this year is that I can hold those feelings with compassion and still set boundaries that protect my purpose, because those things are not mutually exclusive. We don't always like the answers we're given. That doesn't mean the answer was wrong.

There's a story in Nehemiah, where the Jewish people are rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. The people are still recovering from the Babylonian exile, and Nehemiah is tasked with overseeing the effort to rebuild and restore the city...but the work faces resistance on all sides. There are people who wish he wasn't working so hard. People who point out how challenging it must be to build with one hand and defend with the other. There are threats of sabotage, destruction, and even death—but I think the part we can all relate to is the struggle to balance boundaries and purpose. It's discipline vs distraction, the battle between guilt and calling.

What I keep coming back to is that each individual request probably seemed perfectly reasonable in the moment. One dinner date. One meeting. One conversation. Just for a little while. What we don't realize is that for Nehemiah, every "yes" to something else likely felt like a denial of his calling. That dinner date required him to put down his tools, wash his hands, change his clothes, and hope the work was still there when he got back. That conversation might even have been one he was longing for...but it also asked him to press pause on the work that kicked him out of bed each morning and drove his effort through the heat of each day.

Nehemiah finally had to put his foot down, and in doing so, he set a biblical example of focus and purpose that's still relevant almost 2500 years later. "No," he said. "I am doing a great work and cannot come down."

He never said, "My work is greater than yours." He didn't say, "Nah, bro, I can't be bothered." He just recognized that a great work deserves priority, and sometimes that means making sacrifices.

And what I think we miss here is that this is not a lesson in workaholism. It's a lesson in stewardship, discernment, and priority. It doesn't mean never take a break, but it does mean stop apologizing for working on something that matters to you. Nehemiah 6:3 is a reminder to protect your time and your calling. To hold your boundaries. To say right there on the wall.

And I don't know what your calling is. Maybe you're giving everything you've got to raising the next generation full-time. Maybe you're giving up sleep to dig through a dissertation you're beginning to think will kill you. Maybe you wake up each morning burdened for the homeless or the addicted. Maybe you spend each heartbeat mourning with the marginalized or coaching victims through the journey from surviving to thriving.

Maybe you're like me, and pursuing your purpose in life means building a writing career, where every moment of creative discipline and consistency pave the way for storytelling to offer hope.

Either way, every meaningful "yes" requires a thousand quiet "no"s. No to distractions. No to guilt. No to the expectation that we should always be available simply because someone asked. And I think for the people pleasers among us, it's especially vital to recognize that every life is built one decision at a time, and our futures are shaped by the boundaries we hold today.

*****

I know it's easy to read something like this and see a conversation about productivity or time management—Christian or not, we all know what it's like to search for purpose or struggle to set a schedule that works. But whether your issue is boundary-setting or prioritization, I think the heart of that struggle is permission, and that's what I hope you'll take from this.

Discovering your calling isn't always the hardest part of living it out. Sometimes the real challenge is continuing to pursue it, even when the people around us don't understand why we're not as available as we used to be. But if God has given you a wall to build, you can't climb down every time someone whistles for attention...and you don't owe any explanations for intentionally choosing how you live your life.

Whatever your individual purpose may be, protecting that purpose isn't selfish. It's intentional. And while some people will eventually understand, there will be others who don't. Or won't. Or can't. Some people will miss the all-access version of you that was always available. Some will mistake your priorities for rejection.

Just know, there will be others who celebrate your growth and admire your sense of purpose. Instead of calling you down from the wall, they'll meet you during your break, fill that time with laughter, and then—respectfully—leave you to your work. Those are the ones who understand that either way, the wall needs building. They'll understand that it matters. They'll know you should never have to apologize for boundaries that protect intentional purpose.

And maybe sometimes, they'll even remind you that when purpose can't make resistance disappear, it can still steady our hands. Because some days, it's that purpose that keeps us going. Some days, it's the root of determination that helps us...

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